All Is Grace

this year, i almost lost my marriage. then i lived a miracle.

i watched my child gain independence. and i watched her choose to lose it for a time.

i lost 7 pounds. gained back 9.

i heard my babies love each other. i watched them fight.

we had plenty for a while. and then we had not enough again.

i dealt with boredom. more often, i struggled with the stress of an over-filled schedule.

i loved my job. and sometimes i cried while i did it.

i am sure that every year has looked like this, if i really looked back on them. i’m sure of it. but i’ll tell you the truth: i wouldn’t choose this year to do again. i hear people talk about how they’d love to go back and re-live college (no thank you) or high school (are you kidding me?), and I shake my head, but there are years (the first year i had 3 kids pretty much rocked) that i’d repeat.

not this one.

not on your life.

so much of it, i feel like i didn’t choose. i couldn’t have chosen. so much of it just happened by extension–dealing with other people’s choices–and i had to deal with it. i do not feel like i had control. and as a person who really, really likes control, i’m not completely comfortable saying that. and the thing is…i struggle to know how i can make the coming year different if the reality is that all i can do is respond to the stuff that’s thrown at me. i mean, i can’t even control my job. people call me when they need me. if they need me. i can pursue sales–and i do–but at the end of the day, it’s just a toss-up. i can’t control my kids. they are making choices about their lives that i can’t choose for them–it’s time to let them do it. i can only pray.

yeah. i know. i said “only.”

this is not the life i would have chosen. i’m living it, and i’m trying to live it well. but how do i choose better or even different when i literally can’t choose most of it?

i guess that’s the big question we all deal with, isn’t it? the human condition.

here we are. in the middle of it.

bring it on, 2016.