All Is Grace

i’m sitting here on my couch at 3:00 in the afternoon, fully aware of what i’m supposed to be doing.

fully intentional about not doing it.

you know, this seems like the only time i actually post: when i’m avoiding something i know i need to get done. i guess, however, after looking back over all of my posts from the past 3 years, and realizing that it took me less than an hour to read all of them…

…i don’t actually feel all that guilty about it.

i’ve spent this week thinking hard thoughts about myself. actually, i’ve spent about six weeks thinking hard thoughts. i’ve realized, in the processing, i’ve allowed myself to believe things about myself–untrue things–and i’ve had to identify why i actually believed those things that i know better than to believe. and i had to admit that the person who made me believe these things broke me in the process. i had to discover what is truth, and what is a lie–not based upon someone else’s words, but based upon what i know to be true

because i KNOW i am a valued daughter of the King. and He does not think my words are worthless. and He does not think my parenting is bound to fail. and He does not think my time is wasted. and He created me to be strong and wise and brave.

and that is what i am.

i forgot that for a little while.

i have been convinced that i was wrong to believe the truth about myself.

and no matter how many times i forgive the person who made me believe those things about myself, no matter how many times that person apologizes, i am still broken by it. and no matter how much life change is described–even evidenced!–i don’t know how to move beyond it. how not to be afraid. because the person i became…i’m still un-becoming. it took a long time to get here. i don’t know how to get out of it quickly. and i’m still wondering how to protect myself while re-discovering trust.

i’d like some pixie dust to sprinkle over the whole thing. some magical unicorn powers to exert.

and a better-executed daily prayer time.