All Is Grace

i was slammed this week with several things i just can’t handle. and, you know, i’ve been slammed with a lot of things in my life i was pretty sure i couldn’t handle.

none of them even came close to this week.

not one.

i sat in that counselor’s office on two different occasions and simply had no words. i could feel my world caving in. the things i believed to be true about myself. my personality. my parenting. my kids. my husband. some of the basic tenets of my beliefs. stuff i took for granted. it just tumbled down around me right there in that room.

i have heard people talk about moments when they had literally no idea how to even take their next breath, but i have never understood it.

i just…stopped breathing.

i stared at the wall above my daughter’s head. above the counselor’s head as she handed me a tissue.

i didn’t notice i was crying.

i have absolutely no idea what to do with what i have been told. i’m not even sure what to do with what i said. i don’t know how to face it. how to tackle it. how to look at it or think about it. the first night in each situation, i just decided i wouldn’t sleep and i’d think. each night…that did absolutely nothing for the situation, so…obviously not effective. i have no experience in either situation. i have no friends with experience in either situation. and you know what i’m finding? i can spend a heck of a lot of time researching…but when it comes right down to it…all the research in the world doesn’t get me anywhere when it comes to people. because i’m dealing with individuals who can’t be researched. can’t be dissected. and i am a link in all of this and i’m just as human as they are. and i’m screwed up and broken just like they are. and you know what i’m not doing?

i’m not asking the right questions.

of the right person.

there comes a point where i can’t fix it.

have you been there?

i don’t think i’ve ever really, really been there.

i think so often, i’ve just…pressed on. pushed through. done what i know needed to be done. fixed it as best i could. taken control, gotten the job done. figured it out. and in each situation, i was able to do that.

this time, i seriously, earnestly can’t.

i am so not ok with this.

and all i can do is pray.

all.

i.

can.

do.

go ahead. tell me that’s enough. tell me that God is able. that he is bigger than my circumstances. that he knows what i’m facing and that he can see the end from the beginning. go ahead and say that he has such a big plan for me and my kids and my husband. tell me that he is doing amazing things and that his will is for my good and the good of my children and my marriage. go ahead.

i can’t promise i won’t punch you in the face. i really can’t.

but i am praying.

because it’s literally all i can think to do.