All Is Grace

God and i are in a tough spot right now. have you ever had one of those spots? the tough ones? the ones where you are so angry about the direction things have headed in your life, so frustrated that you have made the best choices you felt you could possibly make–confirmed by wisdom from Godly people and influenced by what you believed were direct words from God–and yet, the scene that continues to surround you is absolute. chaos. it’s not that i don’t trust Him. it’s not that i don’t believe He has a plan. it’s not that i don’t think His plan is much bigger and more important than my own. it’s simply that i am so incredibly ANGRY right now. i don’t require his explanation or a change. i just need a little space at the moment. 

you see, in the past, i have listened to people say to me, “God has a bigger plan. God knows what you’re going through and what he’s doing. you need to be patient and let go, and LET GOD.” and i have done exactly that. but i don’t remember being angry like this before. i remember being terrified. but not of God. i remember being so hurt. but not by God. i remember being frustrated and sad and lost and confused. but not by God.

but right now? i’m angry.

at God.

he can handle my anger. he can handle my silence. and trust me, he’s not leaving me alone. i don’t expect him to leave me alone. as a matter of fact, i expect the opposite. this is not me in the midst of unbelief or atheism or turning my back on God.

i’m just angry. and silent. 

if you’re one of the people who’s still praying for my kids and my life and my family, know that you are part of the reason he’s not leaving me alone right now, and he is, instead, proving that he’s still very much present and working.

it’s a moment. really. but it’s this long moment that has kept me from blogging. please forgive my absence. i’ll figure it out.

soon, i hope.