i am selfish.
ever noticed something about yourself that sucks…and realized how serious the issue really is because you suddenly realize how it could be affecting the people around you?
i take pride in the fact that i give. i work really hard at giving. i work really hard at working. all. the. time. i am generally always busy, rarely sit still, and can always find something else to do to fill my time. over the past two years, this has been a necessary quality–i’ve had so much to do as a stay-at-home, homeschooling, single mom (and yes, i realize that’s a crazy statement…yes, i know nobody does this), whether to keep the kids busy, or to make ends meet, or just to keep my mind off the situation at hand…busy-ness was a requirement. over the first two months of this relationship, i slowed down. sat still. settled in.
and then we decided to get married. and we got busy again.
i don’t like it.
what was ok before, i don’t want to be ok now that i have him. i want his time. i want my kids’ time. i don’t want to share them, and i don’t want them to mess up the time we do have. with anything. i don’t want extra commitments that drag me or them away or demand my attention where i don’t want it focused. i don’t want stress or things messing up the schedule.
sigh.
do you notice how many times “i” showed up in those sentences up there?
today, i noticed. yuck.
so. yeah. something to work on. right now.
All Is Grace 
#1 by romanhokie on October 1, 2012 - 8:52 am
Wow. You really laid it all out here, didn’t you? There is something powerful about baring our hearts to others, particularly those who know us and love us anyway. 🙂
The challenge you probably see for yourself is how to transform into what you wish to become – less selfish. I think the real challenge is to all yourself to be transformed. There might be some theological debate in there – that’s not really where I’m going.
Of course, there are practical things to do, too, but that’s more between you, Jesus, your blessed husband, and the cherubs.
Be transformed, Min.
#2 by Kendra on October 2, 2012 - 3:49 pm
I think there is a balance you have to strike. Selfishness would mean that your kids were home 24/7 because you didn’t want them out of your sight. No horse lessons, youth group, karate, overnight stays with friends, etc… Selfish would mean that your husband went nowhere and did nothing without you. No friendships, no gym visits, etc… Balance means that you learn to say no to some things, good things even, because you know that time is fleeting and that your kids need to learn to be okay with the everyday occurances of life, dare I say, even the mundane things of the everyday. Your kids will be gone before you know it (so they say). They need time at home with you when they aren’t doing school work. They need time with their new stepdad. Joey needs time with you when you aren’t teaching, caking, crafting, babysitting… Busyness served you well, and it likely still will serve you well on a lesser scale, but slowing down a little because you have a husband you enjoy being with who enjoys being with you and your kids…that is a good thing. That is balance, and I believe that is good stewardship of our time. Some day, our children will look back and they will remember the moments we sat at our dining room tables crafting silly things, relaxing evenings spent cooking a gourmet meal in our cozy kitchens, movie nights with fancy homemade flavored popcorn, mani/pedis while watching ridiculous reality TV (I hate most reality TV, but, still) and being able to sit in the quiet with the ones they loved. When you choose these things, you aren’t being selfish. You are still giving. You’re just giving differently. You’re giving them everyday moments to cherish, the love of their mama, the knowledge that it’s okay to be still. I love you, my friend.