All Is Grace

Today is the duathlon. I will run. I will walk if I have to. I will hydrate and fuel my body and attempt not to be sick on the starting line (or the finish line). I will speak the words, “I am doing this for me. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for me,” as Dad and I transition…and I will run the miles while I talk to my Maker (because apparently…no music).

Today I also have to think hard thoughts. Say hard words. Sometimes honesty hurts, even when spoken in love. And I don’t do this well.

I don’t want to do it well.

Today I’m choosing me. Which is CRAZY. I know that I’m getting better at choosing me, as compared to several years ago…but the reality is that I don’t really want to get good at putting myself first. I want to put others first. I think, though, that when the command was made to do that, the result was not meant to be sacrificing our own health or heart. Putting others first and maintaining our physical health and sanity…there is a fine line between the two. I haven’t really figured it out yet. But I have taken steps. Improving my fitness and getting some control over my body–that was for me.  Choosing to help when I am asked, but not feeling obligated in every situation…that’s for me…and for others in the process.

Today I will figure out how to give myself some grace. I will compete with myself, not every other runner on the track (because, let’s face it…I’m not a runner. Truth be told, I have no business being there.). I will speak the hard words knowing that I’m not going to do it perfectly. That I am going to screw it up. Without notecards in front of me, or a rough draft written out. Though that’s tempting. Today I will do hard things.

And at the end of today, my kids will climb on the couch next to me and love me no matter what my run times were. My dad and brothers will laugh with me about my inevitable fall or trip or twisted ankle on the course and Mom and I will giggle about what the puppies did while we were gone. My friends will plaster my facebook wall with, “So??? How did it go???” And at the end of today, I will know that my Savior loves. And gives me his grace…which covers so much more than the grace I am learning to give myself.

At the end of today…who cares about a run?