All Is Grace

Feel free not to read this one, folks. Oy.

I had a conversation with an old friend last night (ok, it was a former student. yeah. don’t even GET me started on that one)…and we talked about the whole “benevolent God, bad things happen, how does that all work together?” thought process. We both agreed it’s something we have struggled with through the years…and especially as both of us have now gone through divorces and are on the climb out of them.  Hello, bad things happening? So there right now. (Please do not take this as a sign that I need you to talk to me about why a benevolent God allows bad things to happen to us. I know. I get it. I have all the same arguments. I’m fine with it. I’m just throwing it out there because it has gone through my mind.)

Because, you see…I have these three amazing kids. They are all I ever wanted in life. Well, nearly all…because, you know…the picture in my mind totally included their dad being in first place before them. And frankly, I was pretty sure that all came as a package deal. With no option for any kind of  by-the-piece arrangement. Obviously things don’t always work out the way I plan.

Come look at the still-empty gerbil trap set-up in my kitchen and you’ll see that with great clarity.

Anyway…life has turned out vastly differently than I planned. A year and a half later, people are still just figuring it out…and they are flabbergasted by it. It makes me chuckle a little bit…because, evidently, we played the game well while it was happening. Good grief, it was awful for a long time before it came to this, but the utter SHOCK I see on people’s faces when they find out for the first time, or read in their words when they check my relationship status on Facebook (yes, friends…I am dating Philip Wright. Go check out his profile. And yes, he’s 14 years younger than me.)…that shock tells me that we played a good game. So few people really knew. So very few. (update 3/14: relationship status changed in late Jan…for the sake of clarity)

So now…those three amazing kids…yep. They are my everything. And, frankly, between you and me…(ha)…I wanted them. He…knew that I wanted them. They are ours because I wanted them. When push came to shove last fall, there was no question about where they would go. Total n0-brainer. I have been with them for 13 years. Every. Single. Day. We made the choice that I would stay home with them when Reasa was born. He bragged for years about how amazing our kids were as a result of the time they spent at home, homeschooled, and with direct attention and care from their mother.

And these three amazing kids? The ones who are my world? The ones who half-belong to a man who would have told you right from the start that he didn’t really want, but loves despite that fact? He now tells them he wants them to come live with him and his girlfriend.

And here is the point where I remind you that I never promised this blog would be neat and tidy and kind and wonderful…I tend to write in a train-of-thought/stream-of-consciousness style…I should remind you of that and warn you it’s not going to be pretty some time in another post…but tonight it’s where I am.

The marriage is gone. My ultimate goal…to be a wife…is completely gone. And all blame-placing aside…he helped choose that. And now he wants to take the kids as well??

My first question? Why??

And the answers??

Oh, friends. You don’t want to hear them.

I don’t want to think them.

But I have.

And that’s where I am.