there are things you just don’t see coming. things that shock you when really…no. they probably shouldn’t. i guess when we spoke the words and wrote the agreement and started living through the reality of separation and divorce…because there just was no longer any other alternative…we were in a different place.
it’s funny how time changes things.
those words stop being something you think about and consider before your next words. they stop being something you think about at all, i guess. words like “civil.” “kind.” “respectful.” “…for the kids.”
the words “divorce decree” apparently herald the change. practically accompanied by trumpets. you know, the kind without valves. men standing at attention in silly uniforms and pendant-shaped flags hanging from the handles. dat da-da daaaahhhhhhh! time for a rule change!!! bring on the sarcasm! hark! snide remarks! the time for slamming on that guy you chose to date has arrived!!
whatever we agreed to be civil about has now become…well, not civil.
you know how you always want to do the right thing? to be the person who speaks thoughtfully and calmly even when provoked? to be gentle and loving when what’s coming at you is anything but? to do the noble and honorable thing no matter what someone throws at you or how deeply it stings or what wounds it hacks open?
have you tried it lately?
it sucks.
i am trying. in the presence of my (angry) children, who depend upon my words and my actions as their example, and even in their absence…my heart breaks. but my will can’t. do you know how much easier it is to lash out and react than it is to think and respond well? i have never worked so hard at this in my life. i didn’t realize how LACKING my self control was. how little i guarded my tongue. or how hard people would work to push my buttons. i so WANT to react!! my heart absolutely races in the moment. my brain screams for justice!! for the right to fight back! it KILLS me to bite my tongue.
but that’s kind of what this is about, isn’t it?
because it’s not about me.
so much bigger than me.
i don’t know if i’m big enough for this.
All Is Grace 
#1 by Kim on January 13, 2012 - 9:22 pm
You are so big enough! Just that you think about it at all proves that.
#2 by malindar on January 13, 2012 - 9:36 pm
ugh. i so appreciate your confidence, Kim. i…don’t know.
#3 by Mike Hughson on January 14, 2012 - 10:47 am
Min, I know what you are going through, I have been there and all I can tell you is that you, by yourself, arent big enough….but God is big enough. Keep praying, kiddo. I love ya. If you ever need to talk you know where to find me.
#4 by malindar on January 14, 2012 - 10:58 am
😉 thanks, Mike. ❤
#5 by Kendra on January 14, 2012 - 10:19 pm
Oh, dear friend, you have no idea how incredible you are. Most people wouldn’t even give this a second thought, and they would feel very, very justified when responding to the other person without even a hint of grace. You are…so amazing. 🙂