so if you’ve read…well, basically more than one of my posts ever, you’ll know that i post about anything. everything, really. there is no rhyme or reason here. and my interests are random and eclectic. overall, i’m good with that, and…well, this is my blog so…if you’re not, that’s ok.
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking. about a lot of things, actually. after a Bible study on “anguish” over the weekend, the mind goes in a lot of different directions. mine went somewhere i wasn’t expecting in the journey of processing that whole mess. it slammed right into my fitness and nutrition.
heh. you didn’t see that coming, did you?
i have struggled so much over the past four years with my fitness and my weight and my overall health. i say that and realize that it probably sounds ridiculous–i don’t have cancer. i don’t have diabetes or heart disease. i don’t have seizures or MS or CF. i know that Hashimotos Hypothyroid doesn’t sound like a very big deal to the average person, but it has rocked my little world. i have felt frustrated and exhausted and defeated and lethargic and hopeless and angry and confused and overwhelmed. i have had great moments (and by moments, i mean…they have been short) of progress and encouragement and enthusiasm when my fitness level improved with a great program and a fabulous nutrition plan…and unbelievably awful moments (long stretches) where i worked ridiculously hard for 2 months and made no progress at all. or went backwards with weight gain rather than loss and feeling just. plain. lousy. i’ve had new symptoms of heartburn and migraines and the return of old symptoms of insomnia and anxiety. i’ve eliminated entire food groups for two years and tried prescription weight loss medications for two months (with which i lost five. whopping. pounds. while also losing feeling in my extremities and not being able to talk to people without snapping)(umm, no thanks)(and i gained 7 back after i went off it). i’ve said, “screw it all,” and gone back to eating whatever i wanted and not following a fitness program specifically for four months.
so i started really thinking about all of this junk. i realized in the mix of all of this that a lot of the crap i’m dealing with is based upon a completely unhealthy relationship with food and complete anger at what is currently happening with my own body–a process over which i have absolutely no control. i knew something was going on with my insides when i gained 20 pounds in 2 months while following an insanely healthy fitness and nutrition program to a T, and after a one month detox of all possible sources of garbage in my diet. clearly, there is still something wrong with my body, despite taking medication to help that particular hormone that my thyroid refuses to deal with properly. eliminating gluten hasn’t seemed to make a difference in any way, really, but…i wouldn’t necessarily KNOW if it was making a difference because that’s just the way autoimmune disorders work. and it could be really wreaking havoc on my body without showing any immediate, directly-related effects…and seriously, who wants that?? hormone problems come with age, and guess what? all of this began right before i turned 40. about the point that i stopped being able to read the small print on anything, i gained 20 pounds, stopped sleeping at night, started falling asleep at the kitchen table in the afternoons, lost my short-term memory, and went completely bonkers.
i’ve done so much research my brain hurts. i just did some more. things like estrogen/progesterone imbalance. adrenal fatigue/exhaustion. an unbalanced gut. so many supplements and probiotics and formulas and nutrition plans and complete craziness. just READING everything is exhausting. there are millions of bunny trails to follow. millions of people who tell you if you follow their particular 3-step program (for only $17 if you act now!) you’ll jump start your metabolism or heal your gut or regain control of your weight or glitter rainbows will shoot out your fingertips.
seriously, i need some freaking glitter rainbows.
but the hard part is…none of it is really guaranteed. if i could afford a holistic professional, he or she would only be able to make educated guesses about the root cause of all of my garbage. and, like it or not, the cleaner i eat, the less i cheat, the better care i take of myself, the fewer toxins i pump into my body, the less i ingest/inhale/bathe in chemicals/unnatural junk, the better off my body will be. i may not ever get back down to 128 pounds…my happiest weight. i may not ever whittle my waist back down to 27 inches. i can’t change the way my body produces hormones (or not) any more than i can control the rate at which the grey hair spreads from my temples to my neckline. and oh, it’s spreading. i can simply give my body the best i can give it, sleep as well as i can, exercise the way i love to move, and give myself grace where i can’t change the way i want to change.
at some point, however, the choices i make even when i’m not thinking specifically about making choices need to reflect what i want to achieve. who i want to be. it frustrates me that at 43, i haven’t nailed this. i hate that i’m unfocused. that weakness creeps in when i’m stressed or frustrated or overwhelmed. or just…thoughtless. i want to feel good. i want to look the way i like looking. i want to live to be in my 80’s or 90’s and function in good health and sanity when i’m there. a diet punctuated by sugar and garbage at every single turn, and choosing less than the best for me…it just won’t ever get me there. it just feels weak. i don’t know how to balance full-on health with enjoyment of foods that “i love.” i don’t know how to convince myself that foods “i love” suck for my body and my mind. i don’t know how to be surrounded by buttercream and gluten and not feel deprived. i want to wrap my brain around it. and i have failed for so. long.
it makes me want to prove that i can stop failing. and do it with joy.
at the moment, my stomach (which i nourished well today) is grumbling. i’m looking so forward to bed. and i’m sore from this morning’s Core de Force MMA Speed. but i avoided all the Halloween candy in the kitchen today. and didn’t splurge on the york peppermint patties that were calling my name. today, i won. maybe tomorrow i’ll do it with joy. and maybe after a few days, and after a few weeks, and making it through the holidays, it will feel like i’m winning battles that lead me up to winning great wars. and even though people will just think i’m a food nazi…my skin will glow, and my hair will grow, and my body will function the way it should. hopefully for a long, long, long time.
All Is Grace 