All Is Grace

this Sunday is Mother’s Day. yep, two days from now. it will be my 16th as an actual, bonafide Mom. something about that number freaks me out a little.

maybe because it’s so freaking close to 20. i don’t know. it struck me this morning that next year will be my twentieth college reunion. good grief. i just…

i digress. ok.

Mother’s Day is a big deal. yay for celebrating moms!! i’m all for it. but i have read a couple of posts on facebook and been pointed toward a few articles this week that talk about being sensitive to non-mom’s needs on Mother’s day this year. women who have lost pre-born babies, lost children, not had the privilege of having children, decided they didn’t want to have children, gave their child up for adoption, are still trying to have children and are working through fertility issues, want to have children eventually but haven’t yet found the right man with whom to have them, have lost mothers, have no relationship with their mothers, or their mothers are too far away to be able to celebrate with them…these women need our understanding and our sensitivity.

wait, wait, wait.

can i tackle this concept and dig into it without being drawn and quartered?? because i’m seriously scratching my head a little bit. (also…doesn’t the aforementioned group in some way include practically every single woman on the face of the earth who even celebrates mother’s day???)

i want to be empathetic and understanding and give grace in all circumstances. i truly do. i believe that the way that we, the children of God, show the love of the God we serve is by loving others. in all circumstances. even when it’s hard. or uncomfortable. or inconvenient. and if something i do does not express love in some way, i am failing at that calling (i could argue, also, that discipining my children when they are disobedient or disrespectful is “loving them,” but that’s another blog post for another day). but i’m really struggling with this “sensitivity to everyone in every situation at all costs.” because it really feels more like…self-centeredness.

let me explain.

i have celebrated Mother’s Day every single year of my life for as long as i can remember. i’m sure that in the years before i can remember, i celebrated it with lots and lots of help from my Dad . we used to make trips to my Grandma’s houses to celebrate them, make special meals and desserts and buy flowers and gifts, and it was made very clear to us along the way that the children celebrate the Mother. because, hello…she is the CHILDREN’S mother. it wasn’t my Dad’s job to celebrate my Mom, it was mine.  and, you know, the moms who got celebrated spent their time before the celebration focused on the moms they would celebrate, not being celebrated themselves.  i realize that this is probably a Hallmark-created holiday (or president-created. whatever), and we should daily celebrate our incredible mothers and all the things they do for us…but I gotta tell you…I love that there is one day on the calendar specifically set aside to honor my Momma. it allows me to be intentional on that one day.

since I became a Mom, it’s been kind of awesome to have my kids honor me. i love when they make me special on that day. there have been a couple of years along the way where they have done that–especially the years my dad helped them. yes, they are old enough now that they shouldn’t need help, but children learn from the models placed in front of them (and the encouragement of their elementary school teachers, and, umm…that seemed a little self-serving in our situation). it was only modeled for them through what I did for my mom…and not really encouraged by their dad. i think some day they will step back and think that they’d like to honor me by themselves. but the reality about Mother’s day is that it’s not. about. me. am i a mom? yep. but for ME, mother’s day is about my Mommalee. Joe’s mom. his step-mom. their gifts were “purchased” a couple of weeks ago in anticipation, and we can’t wait to celebrate with dinner for my mom, and dessert with his step-mom. honestly…it seems to me that Mother’s Day is meant to be about honoring our moms.

not being honored ourselves.

…ahem.

ouch?

maybe the thing is…it’s about all moms. and maybe the thing is…it’s also about attitude.

i don’t think that we should heartlessly flaunt anything in the faces of our loved ones. i’m not saying that i think that you should “hip hip hooray! i’m a MOM!” in front of your friends who haven’t been able to conceive. or that you should “what are your mother’s day plans this year?” with your girlfriend whose mom just passed away. we should be specifically sensitive. we have an obligation to really know and love the people who are dear to us. we should know their individual pain and pay attention to it and love through it, yes. but does that mean that when you’re standing in a Sunday morning church service and the pastor wishes everyone “Happy Mother’s Day!” he should also include, “and for those of you who are struggling with not being a mom right now, or losing a child, or having your mom too far away, or who have lost your mom recently or don’t have a relationship with her, we recognize how difficult this day is and we’ll pray specifically for you later?” and if we don’t do that, are we insensitive and heartless?

gosh, i hope not.

is it just me, or does it seem like everyone is just so offended lately? i’m sure this could be thrown back in my face in some way (and probably will be as a result of this post). my intention is not to say that women shouldn’t be devastated by the fact that they can’t conceive. i have stood by friends who have fought that battle. it’s ugly. i don’t mean to imply that it isn’t gut-wrenching to miscarry. i lost a baby at 8 weeks. my sister has lost 4. it is horrible. beyond horrible, even. i don’t believe that losing your mother is in some way unimportant. the idea of that in my own life makes me physically ill. that is the last thing i think. but, my goodness…if i wish a mother a Happy Mother’s Day and have no idea the pain she carries because she miscarried last month…that is not insensitivity. if another mother is being celebrated by her children at a restaurant, and she is sitting next to a couple who have been trying to conceive for 10 years, the mother isn’t flaunting her motherhood. she is being loved by her family. her joy is not an insult hurled at the hurting. she is celebrating her life.

being able to share one another’s joys is just as important as sharing one another’s sorrows.

joy matters.

i don’t celebrate Hannukah. but i don’t want my Jewish friend to not tell me about the games they play on each of the nights a candle is lit because it would be flaunting the joy of her celebration in the face of my non-Jewishness. my husband is not a father by biology, but we will cheerfully celebrate our fathers on Father’s Day, and he won’t be offended that we celebrate our dads just despite the fact that he never had a child of his own. i don’t know how it would be possible to take into account every person’s individual life situation in order to do ANYTHING in life. that just seems so self-focused. we can’t be happy in the fear that the thing that makes us happy might offend someone else.

here’s the thing: i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus. period. in that effort, i’m absolutely going to screw up. this is just the truth of being human. i’ll fail (i’m probably failing by being irritated about this topic). and i’m going to step on toes when i mean to love. and i’m going to have to apologize for my shortcomings. i realize that. but you know what i think would help instead of making broad, sweeping generalizations and saying, “we should be super sensitive to the needs of this huge group of potentially unidentifiable people?”

first, i think we should celebrate. i think we should learn how to celebrate the huge things in life and the mundane things. we should find joy in a lost tooth, and finding the blanket we thought was gone forever. like, go-to-SweetFrog-because-we-lived-through-today kind of celebrations (and i use that example because we did it Tuesday. it was dinner. no, i’m not kidding.). and i-just-got-accepted-to-Harvard kind of celebrations. and when we find out a friend got a promotion to the job he always wanted, we should celebrate that too. and when that same friend kills his car battery and needs a jump, what a great time to celebrate with a cup of coffee and jumper cables.

people! celebrate! share joy! love on each other!

second, i think we should maybe stop taking ourselves so seriously. like our own life is the only one that matters.

now, i say that with the understanding that in the midst of tragedy, that’s incredibly difficult. it is so. hard. to see beyond our own circumstances. i get it. we don’t live in a happy little dream world of joy and peace and prosperity and happiness. crap happens. trust me, i know this to be true. and there are seasons we will each go through where it’s just impossible to live outside of that for a little while. that’s a perfect opportunity for really loving people to happen. when you’re in that place, someone should love you. and when you’ve figured out how to get out of that place, you should love others who need loving. that’s how all of this is supposed to work! and it may be very difficult for you in the midst of your pain to be able to give grace to people who don’t understand it…but…should everyone around people in pain be quiet about their joy in order to be sensitive toward the pain those people may be suffering?? i just can’t see how that’s productive. fair. helpful. realistic.

whether it’s Mother’s Day or whatever the holiday or even if it’s just a reason to have joy…we should. and if we’re not in a place where we can have joy…well, hopefully, we’re love by a couple of people who figure out how to help us walk through that place…and into joy in the future.

Happy Mother’s Day, Moms. and to my Mommalee especially. i hope you have great joy.