All Is Grace

a month into my most recent (new) workout program (update on P90X3 coming soon)(i’m sure you’re chomping at the bit!!), and i keep glancing at the mirror, expecting something different. there’s this feeling of insanity about once a week when i get very real with myself before changing out of my workout attire (unforgiving stuff, i tell you) and stand still long enough to notice what i actually look like.

do you do that? do you glance at your hair and face in the mirror and pay absolutely no attention to the other stuff you could see but don’t really care to? i do it every day. about once. sure, i spend 5 minutes in the morning throwing some eyeliner and mascara on my face…and about a minute and a half with hands covered in goo, “perfecting” the intentional bedhead look i sport every day…but the tiny bathroom mirror ends at the base of my neck (i’m short, friends), so i don’t have to address anything else, really. Sunday mornings, generally, there is a bit more contemplation. i look at the mirror next to the front door, examine the outfit i chose, and quickly pick out the things with which i can and can’t live. if the “can’t” list outweighs the “can”…i change the outfit. fast, of course, because by that point…it’s too late for pressing or searching. at this point, it’s come down to…the staples. the stand-by’s. the stuff i know had a longer “can” list a couple weeks ago, and hope things haven’t dramatically changed in the meantime.

i hate that feeling.

the rest of the days of the week, i do the cardigan/tank top/jeans thing, and assume that whoever may see me that day loves me anyway, and i’m mostly going to get slobbered/thrown up on/covered in 10x sugar throughout the day, so…i don’t go to any great lengths with the mirror. as i said, mascara, hair, quick look, and don’t really glance again. i do touch up before Joey gets home…change into something that doesn’t smell like baby puke…but mostly…the mirror can still be avoided.

at this point, that’s for the best.

which is why i called the doctor again this morning. sadly, they still don’t have any slots available to see my new doctor until March 6, which is my original appointment time. so. i’ll wait. and hope she takes me seriously. and hope she refers me to an endocrinologist. for more tests. and more waiting.

so, i continue to battle on my own. at the moment, my personal attack-my-sluggish-metabolism/still-apparently-underactive thyroid regime includes the following:

1) avoiding mirrors, first and foremost.
2) avoiding gluten. (this is easier when one is not tired or stressed, and doesn’t have one’s mother making chocolate chip cookie dough every Sunday afternoon. also, when one does not have children/husband who can still eat the stuff. and when one does not need to cook for all of those people in addition to oneself.)
3) supplements. these include niacinamide, magnesium, vitamin d, calcium, evening primrose oil, vitamin e, a multivitamin, glucosamine, vitamin c, melatonin, and a couple others i can’t remember right now. i also started taking an actual thyroid support supplement yesterday.
4) 75mcg levothyroxine.
5) 30 minutes a day of P90X3, which is mostly a resistance-based workout. virtually no steady-state cardio. (the ultimate goal is to add a HIIT workout 3 days a week…so far it’s been 1 or 2…but i fear “overtraining”– a serious issue with the thyroid-issue crowd)
6) drinking 72 ounces of water a day, plus more.
7) drinking green tea, herbal tea, and sleepytime tea to stay warm (and hope to help me sleep. no luck at this point).
8) eating very low carbs…carbs in the form of mostly veggies, a few fruits, and some legumes every once in a while.
9) eating more good fats. nuts, oils (coconut oil in my coffee, real butter with my eggs and cooked veggies, whole milk yogurt, etc.), dark meat.
10) eating several small meals a day, with a higher overall calorie count than usual (around 1600-1800 calories instead of my 1200-1400).
11) adding probiotics. homemade kombucha, yogurt, kefir, etc…keeping my “gut” healthy.
12) reading just about anything i can get my hands on to research metabolism/thyroid. slowly reading, but reading none-the-less (i have too many books going at once)

sadly, for whatever reason, my symptoms have returned full-force. (please, skip this paragraph if you’re squeamish). i’m freezing all the time (and yes, i know it’s cold. but i can’t get my feet past icicle-stage when i climb into bed at night under a cranked-up electric blanket…after an hour). i can’t lose this extra weight (ok, that one never went away). i have irregular periods, constipation, insomnia, constant exhaustion (laying in bed for 10 hours to get out of bed, feeling like i never slept), brain fog, blah, blah, blah. i’m thankful i’m not losing hair…as a lot of people with an underactive thyroid have that problem…or my eyebrows. so there’s that. but getting to 9:00 at night and being afraid you might not be able to tuck your kids in to bed in half an hour because you may be passed out on the couch…and you didn’t get up until 8 that morning? this is not me. i’m the needs-five-hours-of-sleep-at-night, moving-all-the-time, tons-of-energy person.

and please don’t tell me, “well, Min, you’re 40. this happens.” because that’s a crock. look at healthy people around you. i mean, really healthy people. within their healthy weight ranges, physically active, eating nutritiously. (they do exist, i promise) do they have dark circles under their blood-shot eyes? do they drag themselves out of bed in the morning to face another day? do they remember something they went into another room to get or what they told their children to do five minutes ago? do they toss and turn all night long?

i’m guessing not.

while i realizes the body changes over time, and you notice things that you didn’t notice before…a catch in your elbow, a stiff knee when you get out of a chair, a few second slow-down of your mile pace, the quicker ability to pack on a couple extra pounds over the holidays…i understand this happens. but…we all know there are things you do to combat these situations if it really matters to you…things that our bodies can do to repair and heal and not feel the effects of our aging so acutely (like yoga. eating well. sleeping early and well. relaxing).

ok, so i’m not really relaxing, but…i’m doing those things. i can’t imagine what would be happening if i wasn’t.

see, the thing is…i have never really cared about the actual number on the scale. i’m good with “give or take 5 or 6.” and i don’t place all of my stock in what the mirror tells me either. but i do deeply value my health and the fact that even when i was several pounds over weight a few years ago, i still felt good. did i love squeezing into my jeans? no. but did i feel lousy and exhausted and miserable? nope.

my sweet friend who is also battling this whole metabolism ugliness vented with me a little this morning…helping me feel like less of a freak…but her comments really struck a nerve with me. she mentioned that she didn’t think that God’s design for our health could possibly be as complicated as we feel like it has to be right now. that she knows that God didn’t intend for us to live in misery, especially when we’re taking care of ourselves. i am absolutely positive she’s right.

and completely certain i still don’t have the answer. something is still wrong with my body. something significant enough that it’s making me feel lousy all. the. time. much of me wants to throw in the towel and say, “screw it. i’m going to be mindful but not crazy and i’m going to live my life. if i have to buy a new wardrobe, then so be it.” but…then i remember how i felt three years ago when i was working out and eating well and living just like i am right now…and i sigh. and i think, “well, if it’s Hashimotos, they’re going to encourage me to eliminate gluten. and cut carbs. and not run at a steady pace for 45 minutes. and add supplements.” so i do that. and it’s constantly on my mind. and i worry about what i’m going to eat next because the family is having pizza for dinner…

so. that’s my current status. frustration. annoyance. sleeplessness. i just want to be able to eat and not think about it. but it’s where i am with it.

on hold.