i don’t really think of myself as a control freak. i like to know what’s going on, i like to have a firm grasp on my reality. but i don’t think i’m a control freak.
(my children would disagree, i’m sure.) (and maybe a few other people.)
(i digress.)
things have felt pretty seriously out of control in my life lately.
i despise it.
out of my control. out of my grasp. beyond frustrating and overwhelming. exhausting.
i wrote lists the other day. one of those lists was a long list of things that i consider stressors. things that are bogging me down. things…i really can’t do anything about…but which still dramatically affect my life and the lives of my husband and children in ways that…wow. are not good. in general, i can do certain things in response to these stressors, but not in resolution of these stressors.
all i can do is wait.
ohhhhh, friends. patience and me…we do not get along. like…barely on speaking terms. we have a long, long history of personal conflict. a few times throughout my late teens and early twenties, i remember getting on my knees and praying for patience.
silly, silly girl.
what i wanted was direction. answers. a husband, frankly.
what i got was lots of opportunities to wait.
i learned not to pray for patience.
that doesn’t mean i didn’t learn patience. oh, trust me, i learned in many, many circumstances how to be more patient than i had been. i became more patient.
no, really, i did.
but “more patient,” in this case, is code for “still not very patient.” i’m sure there are people who master this whole patience thing. i’ll bet there are great, patient people who can let God do his wonders while they plod through and wait.
sigh.
they are much more awesome than i.
a verse sticks in my mind every time i am bogged down like i am right now. it infuriates me and comforts me at the same time. Psalm 37:7 “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him…”
be. still.
i suck at still.
today, i pulled out that whole passage actually. because, you see…this isn’t just about patience for me. or stillness. some of it is about anger. people keep making choices around me which dramatically affect my life. stupid choices. mucking up the path for me. some of this is about fairness and justice…because i want fairness and justice…and i can not get them for myself. it’s just not my choice. and some of this is about the fact that my attitude…leaves a lot to be desired. here’s the rest of the passage (actually, just the first 11 verses)(out of 40)…i’m going to keep reading it. over and over. and over.
Psalm 37
Of David.
1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
i keep pointing to the fact that i am sadly lacking. patience. stillness. perfect parenting. mercy. the first 8 verses read like what should truly be my manifesto, pointing me toward what i should do every day. over and over.don’t fret. don’t be envious. trust in the Lord. do good. delight in the Lord. commit your way to the Lord. be still. wait patiently. don’t fret.
don’t fret.
i’m really good at fretting.
i promised here on this blog the first of the year that i would give myself more grace, and i know it’s been looking a lot lately like i’m not giving myself very much. but in reality…the fact that i’m even digging into this and not pushing it aside and saying, “it is what it is. i’ll figure it out.” that’s more grace than i usually allow.
the Psalm ends like this:
37Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
there are so many things right now i can’t control. no amount of fretting will make that different. there are things i can do. and there are things i can’t change.
i’m off to take some refuge.
All Is Grace 