today i sent my daughter with my husband on a field trip. a field trip on which i could not bring myself to go.
i know, you’re thinking, “umm, what’s up with THAT? aren’t you her TEACHER??” (actually you’re probably just like, “whatever, would you get to the point, please?”)
yes. i am. but this field trip, she needed her step-dad with her. a voice of reason i could not have been today. i could not have stood where she stood or faced what she faced today with the calm reserve she outwardly displayed. which her step-dad encouraged and talked her through. i could not have faced it with calm or courage. because what she faced leaves me livid. breathless. fuming. exhausted.
today my daughter watched our justice system in action. she traveled to Williamsport where her father stood in chambers and before a judge and admitted his guilt to seven (out of fourteen) repulsive felony charges. she listened as he admitted his guilt out loud, then watched as he signed in his own hand that the charges were true and that he was not being forced or coerced to admit to them. she listened as the judge informed him that with the charges, he would face 20-49 years in a state prison and $105,000 fine, all to be decided at his sentencing in four months. in the past four months, she has not seen him once.
not once.
today she watched him, greying and emaciated, humbled and humiliated, speaking to the judge about his crimes. unable to deny them or manipulate or sweet-talk his way out of his guilt. facing his fate. and she would not speak to him. simply watched. because she had to see. to witness it for herself, and not just hear the report. our version or his version. today my fourteen-year-old chose to be an adult. i am proud of her. crazy proud.
and my heart breaks for her.
not just because what she had to watch should not be within any child’s experience, though that is true. not because she has to live a much more difficult life based upon the decisions he made, though that is true as well. but because…this will change her. it has to change her. she has to deal with this now, and make her decisions about what her life and who he is in her life looks like with this in her experience. what she knew of him and what she knows of him lie in stark contrast now…but it leaves her with the opportunity to make the decisions for her now…not for him.
and i have to step back and let her. and not say, “well, he is your father.” or “i think you should…” it has to be up to her.
and i have to let it go.
years ago i remember hearing someone talk about the fact that we have to stop thinking of ourselves as parents raising children. we have to remember that we are actually raising adults. we expect that some day, they will become capable of making their own decisions and deciding their own fate based upon the way we bring them up. i remember thinking that i wholeheartedly agreed with that concept.
i just didn’t expect i would have to see some of that take shape before my girl’s fifteenth birthday.
but here we are. my brave, amazing kid, with her step-dad–so perfectly chosen for this task with a background in criminal justice and a heart for his step-kids and a love for me–walking into this and out of it and becoming stronger together and separately for it.
God’s hand was in this day. i have no idea what he’s doing with the rest of our lives, but at the end of this day…i am relieved and grateful. our trip to Sweet Frog was the perfect night-ender.
All Is Grace 