All Is Grace

so what do you do, say, when people think you’re nuts?

i’m throwing this question out there because…i don’t have a good answer for it.

my immediate response to adversity, especially when i feel attacked, is to go on the defensive. i quote. i reference. i rack my brain. i organize my arguments while i shower and cook and read (rendering said reading useless) and while people talk to me (i do not recommend this form of processing). i write drafts, re-read, re-process. delete. research more. there is anger in my processing because, “why can’t you hear what i’m saying?” and hurt because, “you don’t trust my ability or research or education or decision making,” and frustration because, “why does this matter so much to you?” and so many other thoughts. and, i mean, of course this depends upon the issue and the relationship with my adversary (a stranger would not get this kind of energy from me, frankly), but…mostly, yeah. my process looks like that.

i haven’t really faced much adversity in my life…more or less. while i may have rebellious tendencies, they rarely show up. i choose carefully, and otherwise tend to go with the flow–i can let things slide off my back. but when i choose something about which i feel passionate, i don’t generally change my mind. and it’s not because i’m just stubborn and ridiculous (ok, sometimes i am…), but if you’ve been watching my process here even with regards to unschooling…this one thing i’m working through right now…i don’t do or think something haphazardly or because it’s what someone else told me i should do or think. i’m not easily persuaded. i think hard and research. but you know what else? when someone i love (or know, for that matter) makes a choice, i expect that they have gone through the same process. and if i don’t agree with their choice, i feel like it’s my responsibility not to confront or correct them, but to give them the benefit of the doubt–that they have made the right choice for them. if they ask me what i think about it or to weigh in, i’m honest, but…the goal is to love them, not point out how stupid they are for thinking or doing something i wouldn’t do. morality is a different issue–if an action is wrong, as defined Biblically or legally…this becomes a different matter. but in matters of preference…why is it worth the confrontation? why is my way better? especially when my way is not THEIR way…and they have to do it…not me?

when my children were tiny, i made a lot of choices about how i would parent them. (yes, i realize everything comes back to parenting with me, but let’s face it…it’s been my job for 15 years. my life lessons will come from my experience.) and while some of those parenting decisions have had to develop over time…there is one that i keep making the same way over and over. i choose to weigh the things i have to address/confront/deal with “in the face of eternity.” if the issue i am dealing with would not matter in the face of eternity…it doesn’t matter. period. the end. if i walk through a room and there is a shoe in the middle of the floor because a kid took it off when they walked in rather than on the porch and the dog carried it to the middle of the room, yes. i could lose it because the kid didn’t take it off outside to begin with. but…really…why? no, i don’t want to have to say, “could you take care of this shoe, [whichever kid belongs to said shoe]?” every single time a shoe is taken off, but 1) it is most often taken off outside or taken care of after the shoe has dried on the inside shoe carpet without my intervention (and if it doesn’t happen, there is a reason–too cold to stay outside and take it off, too many people in the doorway at the same time, being mauled by happy-to-see-us dogs and falling over in a small space…etc.) and 2) the moment said child is asked to take care of said shoe…it is done. without question or exception. and in the face of eternity…who the heck cares????? i don’t feel the need to make a rule about this, because i don’t care if they do it. and if they don’t take care of their shoe, i don’t see that as a punishable offense either. this is a completely silly example…but you get my point, right? it doesn’t matter in the long run. i choose not to make it an issue now.

there is grace involved here, isn’t there? first from me. i know that. whether in my response to adversity, or in the choice to not respond. but man, it sure is difficult to give that grace, isn’t it? i’m aware that i should not immediately fly to defense mode when i am confronted, and that is where my grace-giving must increase. weighing an argument in the face of eternity has to determine when i choose to not respond. but what about the situation where my adversary does not operate by the same principle?

and that, friends, is where i find myself today. weighing. facing some adversity that…looks big in the face of eternity. wanting to give grace…but flying to my own defense. because sometimes giving grace is hard when none is given in return. or given first.

my justice-seeking brain is yelling at my non-resolution today.