All Is Grace

good little Christian girls don’t use curse words, right?

ok. well. fine.

i call bull cookies on this day, then. the whole thing. every last second of it. (ok, maybe except for the part where i was sitting on Reasa’s lap in the reception area at the lawyer’s office today as she bounced me on her knees…when the lawyer walked out. that part, i’ll keep)

it’s Christmas. yes, i know, it’s almost a whole week away, but it’s Christmas. it is not the time to be working out legal issues with regards to your children with someone who doesn’t care about them. it is the time to be decorating cookies. ooh-ing and aah-ing over decorations. running out for last minute gifts, giggling about secrets under the tree, singing The Twelfth Thing At Christmas That’s Such a Pain to Me (what IS the name of that song??). oh, this will all still happen, but it should have happened all day today. instead, i had the kids out the door at 8:15 to meet with their lawyer last minute before they crammed a whole day of school into three hours, and i spent 3 hours in Family Court this afternoon. got home in time to help with Biology homework, give the baby one last bottle before he went home for the long weekend, and hustle my son off to basketball practice. i mean, realistically, it’s just another crazy day around here, and nothing out of the ordinary. ..

…but i will never get used to being called a liar by a lawyer. i will never get used to sitting on the opposite side of a courtroom from a man i loved with every ounce of my being for 14 years, fighting over whether or not he has the right to fill our children with stress and anxiety and anger and shame every other Saturday morning.

actually, i take some of that back. i loved him like that for 13 and a half years. then i worked hard to shut that down.

ever tried that?

i don’t recommend it.

i really do try to find little nuggets in these moments. i realize that over the past couple of years, there have barely even been glimmers of hope in my posts, and for the negativity my blog often carries, i sincerely apologize. this is something i’m working on in my brain. really. but i was honest with you when i told you several months ago that God and i were not on the best of terms. what i have learned in these months of challenge and adversity is that God still isn’t going anyplace where he’s not inviting me to come along with him. and if i choose not to follow…he’s patient and will wait for me. it’s not that he’s allowing me to go through something i can’t bear. he’s allowing me to face things that are miserable all by myself until i invite him walk through it with me.

there are lessons here. i’m learning them.

they suck just as much today as they did yesterday.

and yes. good little Christian girls say suck.

and have a glass of bourbon at the end of the day sometimes.

it’s that kind of day.