All Is Grace

it is a difficult week.

it’s only Monday.

it’s not that i have too much to do, or that i’m pulled in too many directions, which is so often the case in my life. but not today. it’s just that my mind is so full. so very full.

i hold this baby in my arms and he needs my stillness. in that 20 minutes of cherished quiet and peace, as he sighs and blinks and breathes…the silence is overtaken by thinking. jumbled, messy thinking. because even as i rock that perfect baby…my teenage daughter talks to her friend. who is a boy. and they chat about playing piano duets over facetime. the other teenager mindlessly doodles on her math paper. which is 5 days late in its completion. and she still hasn’t done science or today’s math. or cleaned her room. or eaten lunch. or gotten dressed. the pre-teen…sits quietly enveloped in his world of minecraft and Gary’s mod…building and thinking and designing. and missing out on the fresh air. and i worry about each of them. and then sigh because…i worry. and i know better. i do.

but there is so much.

there are bills and follow-up bloodwork. appointments to make. lessons to plan and papers to grade. an empty cake calendar. a court date. a refused (by me) request for mediation. i have two children who have outgrown last year’s entire wardrobe. and one…who should have and didn’t. the law guardian wants to meet with the kids again before we go back to court. the kids…would rather just not talk about it. my husband doesn’t really sleep. the symptoms i hate won’t go away. the lawsuit from the car accident almost three years ago just. won’t. settle. the clutter makes me nuts. and boy, is there clutter. there isn’t even time for to-do lists. sugar free jello just doesn’t taste as good as straight up chocolate, and weight…is much easier to gain than to lose. i am weak. an apple should never be a splurge. and i would so much rather have a sip of wine at 8 pm than another glass of water.

this week i will make the appointments, make the phone calls, follow through on the stuff that’s hanging over my  head. i will forget half of it, write myself reminders i can’t find. i will race to practices and meetings, figure out what the kids will wear to grandpa’s funeral. i will weep. i will toss and turn while i lay in bed and plan out mornings and afternoons.

i will pray.

i will worry.

i wish by praying, the worry would…delete.

but that’s what i forget. i forget the praying and return to the worry.

i run. i pray. i think. i worry.

and i forget.

i’ve been praying for 34 years. you would think i’d have this figured out by now.

pray longer. forget less.

easier said than done, apparently.