All Is Grace

I just don’t act like it.

I pulled out an old journal today (…because it had a phone number I needed scribbled in the front cover due to an annoying lack of paper in my bedroom and a lawyer spouting out information which I needed to write down) and glanced through the words I scrawled across the pages 4 years ago. I wrote then. At that point, I wrote out of pure desperation. A desperate need to make sense of my world. I picked up a pen and actually sat and wrote. Interestingly, as I wrote, and spewed out all those thoughts…I remember letting them go. The knowledge that only I would read those words…and only God would hear them…allowed me to release them. It didn’t solve anything, it just let me verbalize it. Like somehow, if they existed on paper, they were real and…out of my mind. It didn’t solve anything. But it clarified and validated it. And as I read back through it now…I realize that four years later…I should have re-read them sooner.

There is something about putting pen to paper. Something about getting the words out of my head. Something so solid and real about that. I find myself thinking more about “my potential audience” when I write here. That’s silly.

So, I’m done with that.

I usually carefully proofread and check for anything that could be misconstrued or misinterpreted or judged as radical or ridiculous before I hit edit.

I’m done with that too.

I have said in the past that this blog is more for me to look back on and remember my life and that of my kids and what we have walked through, and I’ve mostly meant it…

Now I’m dead serious. I promise it won’t be a place where I slam my ex or blather about politics. And I know you have read things here that are hard…but a little vague. I think I’m done with vague.

Because here’s the thing: my world is making more sense lately. My life is making more sense. My God is making more sense. I may not verbalize any of it well, and it may make no sense whatsoever to you…but I’m ok with that.

And I’m probably going to write it.

Even if you don’t like it.

And for maybe the first time in my life, I’m ok with that too.