i struggle with control.
to be honest, i wouldn’t say that i’m a control freak, i just don’t trust a lot of people with the details of my life. or my children’s lives. or…well, other things. what i’ve realized over the past couple of years is that it’s more of a trust issue than a control issue. trust is hard to give once you’ve been burned a few times.
trust issues even apply to God.
ridiculous, right? he’s the creator of the universe…and i can’t keep my paws off the things about which i know i seriously can’t do anything.
over the past three months, trusting has proven to be my biggest life lesson. (imagine that.) trusting friends with details i need their support and prayer to get through. trusting a counselor with my child’s emotional health, realizing that i can’t be everything for her. trusting my kids’ safety and health to new trainers, doctors, dentists, themselves, and most importantly…to God. i am humbled by the number of times i have had to step back and put everything back in God’s hands because i have tried to reclaim control. i’ve had to realize that i can’t do everything. i can’t solve every problem. i’m not equipped to deal with everything placed in front of me. i would venture to guess that God has even allowed things to enter my path specifically to teach me that i CAN’T do everything alone.
wow, that sucks. i mean, awesome that he is willing to do that for me. but…the fact that he has to…and that it’s a lesson i SO CONTINUALLY have to learn…ugh.
the past week or so, i have had further opportunity to remember who is in control. and it’s not me. and each time i am encouraged to remember that…and these have been big, big things, folks…it has been easier to release them back into his hands. interestingly, the hugeness of the situations…their importance to me and the way they affect my life and my hope and…everything else…have made it easier to release. which is maybe a little backwards.
but maybe that means i’m actually learning.
i am blessed. overwhelmed. hopeful and joyful.
it’s crazy.
All Is Grace 