All Is Grace

I have irrational fears sometimes.

Yep. Crazy ones. Like the times I lay in bed at night and think I hear something. And then I lay there paralyzed, knowing I have to get out of bed to check on it. And as I’m laying there, I think…wait…did that thing on the wall just move? And then it becomes this crazy game of looking everywhere, but wanting to squeeze my eyes shut and then being afraid if I squeeze my eyes shut, something might grab me and I wouldn’t see it coming…and hearing more noises that I’m sure aren’t really there, and while I want to reach out for the golf club I keep next to my bed, but I know that if I reach out, it makes my hand available to be grabbed.

Yeah. It’s messed up. I know.

I was not built to be the only adult sleeping in my house at night.

Actually, I wasn’t built to be the only adult in my house for long stretches…period. I knew it right from the moment I moved in to my first apartment. Despite the fact that it was a mere 20 feet from my landlords’ back door (landlords who invited me to come in any time I felt the urge and made dinner for me to share most nights), alone didn’t work for me. It wasn’t just the irrational fears. I thrive on companionship. Someone’s presence. Even without constant interaction, just having someone else in the room fills my tank. I was the kid who did her homework in the kitchen while mom cooked dinner. I read on the couch while Dad watched TV. I avoided the library to study in college…and gravitated toward the student center. Other than that apartment for 10 short months (and going to my parents’ every single weekend, more or less, that whole time), I have never lived alone. And I’m absolutely fine with that.

I have somewhat contented myself with the fact that at least my children are in the same house with me at night. I may be the responsible adult, but they are with me. They are pretty spectacular companions all the time, even if they couldn’t protect me from the boogie monster or a burglar in the night. And frankly, life without my children with me every day and every night…no thank you. Really. I don’t want it.

But what happens when my irrational fears and the thought of living alone suddenly collide?

What if he pursues primary custody of the kids? What if they choose to live with him?

Tonight my irrational fears and my utter disdain at the thought of being alone collided.

And I can’t even think.